What was to be a one month update and then a two month update is now a three month update. We have finally settled into a new groove and I am not so dead tired by the time the kids are in bed and actually have the energy to write in the evening. In all likelihood, this is probably the last update, however (aside from Dave's final input as well).
Little Neela is an amazing little girl and has adapted to her new life and world with such ease. It is hard to believe that she could just hop into her new life with such trust and happiness when we consider all that she has been through. I think she must be one of the kids they classify as "resilient".
She is really catching on quickly to the English language. I am sure she understands most of what we say to her. She has two or three dozen words she says (though most people wouldn't understand her) and she is mimicking new words every day. Her sleep is getting much better, though we must remain in the room with her until she falls asleep. Several nights a week she will now sleep through the night. Most nights she awakens, it takes little to get her back to sleep, though she sometimes cries out quite upset and cannot be comforted until she fully awakes. It is as if she still has some bad dreams or is still grieving the loss of her old family at times.
We are bringing her around to good health. She was treated for giardia (intestinal bacteria from bad drinking water), her boil resolved itself with continued warm compresses once we returned home, she is still on formula to bring her iron levels up which are almost to a healthy level now, and will most likely wait until she is 3 or 4 to have the hole in her heart (ASD) repaired through a minimally invasive procedure. Overall, though, she was in fairly good health when she came to us and did not have too much to overcome. Her development seems right on track for an almost 2 year old.
And her hair is starting to grow back nicely. Andrew wanted to put it in a pony tail for her the other day, but it is not quite there yet. :)
Just the other day we got a special package in the mail. We had written to
Half the Sky Foundation based out of Berkley, CA when we returned home with Neela requesting any information they might have on her early life.
Half the Sky, begun by parents of children from China, is an organization with a mission to improve the lives of children in institutional care. They train caregivers, run programs for older girls, sponsor family village living arrangements and in general help to give these children the best start possible in their situation. Neela was in their program. And two days ago, we got 4 progress reports along with pictures that were written by her caregiver during the year before she came to us. From these letters, it is a bit easier to understand how she has done so well.
The letters were filled with pride in how Neela was growing, enjoyment in watching Neela explore and learn about her world, affection and love in her words about her little JingJing, and an indication that Neela had become very attached to her caregiver and loved to give them hugs and kisses. From what I can gather, this was not her foster mom, but someone she spent time with during the day in the orphanage with the other children. And then she went home to her family of sisters and a mother and father in the evening. It is evident that all of these people loved her, took very good care of her and worked with her and taught her and supported her in her curiosity of her world.
Her good start has enabled her to transfer her trust and attachment to us and continue on her merry way exploring her new world with great curiosity. She is very observant, very energetic, and very willing to go along with all new things and experiences. (Except at times in the food department. She is getting much better at eating a variety of foods, though when we have rice for dinner, we have to hide the bowl with the extras in order to encourage her to eat other food also. She will still eat plates and plates of rice if we let her!) She is also very innovative and has figured out how to haul a stool or a box or anything of some height around to climb up on to reach things just out of reach. She is also able to climb the chairs and get onto the dining room table. Her fine motor skills are just as good as her large motor skills and she can unscrew the top of a toothpaste tube... We must keep our eyes on her!
I'm no expert on adoption and attachment, but in my estimation, I feel that she has become securely attached to us. I must admit that while in China, I was a bit worried since I was clearly only second rate with her. Once we got home, however, and settled into our home routines, she decided that she liked me, too. I can understand how it would be difficult for parents with children that do not attach quickly. While being an adult, I should have been able to be patient and remember that it takes time, that she was grieving her lost family and friends, but it was hard while we were in China because it felt so personal. Once she started accepting me, it was so easy to quickly feel myself totally accepting her as my child. She is mine and I am hers and I love it when she gives me a big monkey hug and wraps her arms and legs around me or when she giggles so hard about some goofy thing we are doing or reaches for my hand and shows me she wants me to pat her back as she is falling asleep. She has called me "mama" a few times, though I think there is still a part of her that is unsure about that as "mama" is the same in Chinese and English and I am different than the people she used to call "mama".
As for being her mama out in public, I initially felt self-conscious going out with her as I was sure everyone was looking at us and knowing she was not my child by birth. As if that made a difference. It was not like in China where people openly stared and asked questions, but I still thought about it. I no longer feel this and so far no one has made any other comments other than the "cute baby" kind. I feel now, like we are definitely "together".
This is within a time frame we hoped for, but were taught to be prepared for worse. I am grateful for this as it was a hard enough adjustment for me going back to the life and times of toddlerhood. I have now remembered some of the old tricks of the trade and don't feel so overwhelmed by everything and our days are seeming normal again. That being said, having a toddler in the mix again is still hard and the boys sometimes rile her up even more, but sometimes they also make things easier.
Neela loves her brothers and her brothers certainly love her! I have really enjoyed receiving our third child at the toddler stage for I always really enjoyed the boys at this stage where they were happy and interactive and game for anything. I also think it has been an especially good age for her to come into her brothers' lives. Whereas a newborn is not really any fun for a couple of rowdy boys, a little sister who likes to laugh at their silliness and ride on their backs as they crawl around and sit in the rocking chair with them as they read stories to her, has really hooked them. At times it gets a little too crazy as they compete to entertain her or fight over who gets to sit next to her at the dinner table, but one especially nice part of this whole experience has been to see how they were instantly in love with her and how they try to care for her and how they have claimed her as theirs. Luke gets off the school bus and immediately bends down to say 'hi' to Neela in the stroller. Andrew wakes up and looks around to find out where Neela is. Neela comes to Andrew's school with me to pick him up and she runs to him and nearly bowls him over with a hug. I could do without them making Star Wars shooters for her out of K'nex and teaching her how to make shooting noises, however...
People have asked me how it is finally having another girl in the family. Frankly, at this point in time, it is no different. I don't want to dictate any future for her, but at this time, she is quite a tomboy. She has a nice little Asian baby doll. She gives it a hug now and again, but most play with the doll involves crazily pushing it around the house in the little doll stroller and flinging it off the landing at the bottom of our steps as the boys have shown her. She prefers to play with Legos and K'nex and a Star Wars light saber. (I do have to admit Legos are my all-time favorite toy and I'd much rather play that with the kids than dolls anyway.)
I used to say that if I ever did give birth to a girl, she would probably end up to be a tomboy. In so many ways, Neela seems like a person that really could have been born to us. She is very active just like her brothers are, seems mechanically minded as she tries to figure out how everything works, she loves the snow and the outdoors, she likes to draw with pencils and is adaptable and game for anything just like her brothers were at this age and in general very excited to learn anything about her world. Most times it just seems like she has always been a part of our family. The wait for her seemed unbearable at times, but in the end, Neela was the right person for our family and as with labor pains, memories of the agonizing wait seem to have faded in their intensity now that she is with us.
The Chinese New Year is coming up and we will attend a family gathering at the adoption agency to celebrate the Chinese culture. I have really enjoyed learning more about the Chinese culture and reading everything I can to try and grasp where it is that she is from, what might be ingrained in her from her short stay there, and what might have been different for her had she continued to grow up there. I went to a Chinese dance program at the University last night with a friend. Everything was introduced in both English and Chinese. It was a strange feeling that came over me when I heard Chinese spoken again. It was sort of like comfort in recognizing a past. No matter that I had only been immersed in the language for two weeks (in addition to a community ed course I took last winter), it seemed to bring to me good feelings and memories of being in China. It meant so much to be able to go to China and get even a little taste of her ethnic heritage. I look forward to making more connections and trying to help her learn and appreciate her background as well. In our travels, we experienced different foods, different cultural norms, different living conditions, different customs, but in the end we also realized that people are people all over the world and are really not all that different. People all over the world need a family for love and support and sharing of good and bad times. We give that to Neela and she gives that to us. We are grateful that Neela has come into our lives!
